Thoughts about the up-coming trip

Sunday Morning, June 28th - 11:20am

... My first thought is about my last trip to Afghanistan in 2004. It was a stressful trip that ended in a spectactularly strange manner. But it paled in comparison to the events that unfolded six months later when my entire staff was killed outside of Herat as they were completing the work I had started. Since those days I have been grief-stricken, angry, confused, determined, hopeful, desparaging, proud, ashamed, anxious and calm. I've thought about the magnificent mountain views and the lavish picnics we took on our field outings. I've thought about the lovely Afghan people, the honorable community health workers, the savory food, the wild green eyes of children, the sidewalks made with cement and crushed lapiz ... and how after it rains in Kabul the sidewalks are glistening blue ...

But my memories are clouded by a feeling of guilt about the deaths of my colleagues. One of the young women was from my home town. I recruited her. Why I survived and she didn't will haunt me forever. I've also never understood how the firm that sent us all to Afghanistan five years ago could look at itself in the mirror ... much less use the deaths of these three young women to promote their business. It's been appalling to me. But that's their business now. I've moved on.

I am heading out to Kabul next week to work through a larger strategy for developing social marketing programs. This is an area where I know I can add value. I have more experience, a different team and time to reflect on lessons learned.

Today though, I need to figure out how to break the news to my mother that I am going back to Afghanistan.